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12.8.08 12:28


ich will endlich 45 wiegen!
wieso geht das so langsam?
naja egal..
schon besser geworden (:
14.8.08 17:46



wow! <3

You don't really mind if you die, to be honest, because you're not that happy anyway. You know, when they were telling me that I will die I was thinking, "well, you said that to me a week ago & I'm not dead now." I mean, I've lost more weight & it's.. you never really.. yes, you push it to the limit, .. really.
Cause, you know, people at school were saying that I was already like.. skinny, I didn't think so. You know, I wanted to see it from myself. & so that's when you stop eating & you still don't see it. The others say you're freakishly skeleton but you don't see it, When you stare on the scale & see that you've gained weight. You just thought of "oh you're a failure you know, you're huge & you've gained so much weight in such a short space of time.". When I get my targetweight, I know that I'm going to feel absolutly disgusting, I'm just gonna feel horrible & I want to lose more weight.
Meal times are very hated & the stuff just make it really hard for you. I'm a slow eater & I always have been, really. & it's just like they're telling you, you know, what to eat, how to eat, when to eat.. You're struggling enough & they're telling you: "two more minutes.". Maybe it sounds really stupid but you can actually feel, you do notice that you're heavier like before.. when I get out of bed & thought of push myself're actually struggle but you can feel that you've been heavier.
I didn't actually don't really want to change in my head.. I still want to lose weight, I still wanna be thin. & I really have the strong feeling, that this is not gonna change, but we have to wait & see.
Maybe the thoughts, if I got rid the thoughts of my head that I be getting rid of it, but I don't really want it, because that are the only things that.. you know it's some thought of.. you lie, when you need helpers.
It was like.. this kind of thing in my head, that was controlling me. & I couldn't see the top. I just couldn't get that. I pushed myself to a limit. & I didn't want to be myself anymore. But it wasn't like I was scared or afraid.. it was just.. something telling me that I shouldn't..
It's not just so simple that you think you're large & so you decide to lose weight. It has nothing to do with that. I never thought I was large or fat or anything. I can't find an idea how I got ill & I think it was because, I felt I wasn't noticed, so I thought maybe if I stop eating, I get noticed.
I think the media is ehm you know.. their story is people get anorexia because they want to be thin & they see other people in magazines & on the catwalk & they think, "I wanna be like that." & to be honest, that's a really good story why they want to change it, you know, it's a perfect story. But it's not the truth, I mean, maybe for some people is, but I know that for me it's not. You know, I havn't anorexia because I want to look like other peoples. It's the image in my head, you know, there's no one that's my idol. It's just the image in my head, that is my idol. But it's not a real person.

15.8.08 13:16


"when did you realize that this desease, this illness, could kill you?"
"it was about a year and a half ago..And really, up to then, I didn't realize. I saw death coming for me. I saw what all those people describe when they survived an accident.. when they really come close to dying. At that state, I freaked out. I was so afraid that I took whole of myself. And I said, "I have to do something because I won't have a second chance. I really want to live. I really want to fight."

15.8.08 14:07


and someday, i will like myself.
F: 1x Müsli mit 2 EL Magerjoghurt
Nachmittag: etwas Reis mit Gemüse (bisschen Bambussprossen etc.)
Musste essen!
16.8.08 17:18

I'm still here..

F: 1x Müsli mit 2 EL Magerjoghurt
sonst: paar Haribos
mehr nicht.

Ich ekel mich heute so dermaßen vor Essen, dass ich nicht einmal etwas essen oder trinken kann, was dickflüssiger ist als Wasser.
Zum Beispiel Milch, Kakao, Sojamilch, Buttermilch, oder Säfte.
Ich könnt, allein bei dem Gedanken an Essen, oder dem Geruch etc., kotzen und es bereitet mir Ekel und eine fette Gänsehaut.
Was ist das? O:

19.8.08 18:12


Qoud me nutrit me destruit..


31.8.08 21:24

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